Celebrating milestones-anniversaries of life-giving moments takes a bit of effort, but so good for the soul. August 4th was a very special day for us! 💍 We celebrated 30 years of marriage where our youngest daughter and our "son in love" celebrated their first anniversary as husband and wife. Grateful to share this special day. We both share the same anniversary and I blogged about that a few weeks back reflecting on 1 Corinthians 13 “The Greatest of These is Love.”

We had a lovely dinner at Ayden Kitchen & Bar and then babysat our precious little grandson while mommy & daddy had some time away for a few hours with friends.

Reminiscing…

Processing 30 years of marriage with umpteen life experiences life together including dating long distance for 2.5 years, our year of engagement, and that beautiful day. So many shared lessons learned with the highs and lows of life. It's been a journey no doubt. I was only 20, Tim was 29. Yes, a bit of an age gap, and quite the adventurous love story might I add. We met in Winnipeg in 1988 and then dated long distance for 2.5 years and married in 1990 in Thief River Falls, MN. Twenty years old.

Sigh.

So young- filled with such love with our own dreams of a life together. Little did we know back then what we were signing up for when saying our vows!

For those who know me well, you know the mountain tops and valleys too. Young love is created with deep passion, hope, and optimism to get us through the highs and lows of life. Grateful for all that we've learned and experienced together thus far. Someday, I hope to share more in detail about those lessons. The highs, of course, include those moments where you felt like heaven touched the earth- you are over the moon elated with your love life, friendship, choices, adventures, and relationships. Then there are those times that you wish you could erase, but know in hindsight- those difficult, challenging, or horrendous times you faced together or individually helped shape you to be the person you are today. We can’t go back and erase those hard times, but we can learn from them. Our experiences as hubby and wife don’t define us, but they can refine us- if we let them. I cannot possibly jot down ALL the lessons and experiences shared thus far, but in honor of our 30th wedding anniversary, I will jot down 30:

30 Marriage Lessons (Thus far). . .

Equality- Learning to see and treat one another as equals . Genesis 1: 26-27 is one of my favourite verses in the Bible that confirms God created both male and female in His image. Marriage is no place for gender- power wars.
Two Becoming One: I am my own person, my hubby is his own person, yet we are called to become one and unified. (“two shall become one..” Genesis 2:24) Keep in check your drive for being too independent or codependent as it hinders our call to be an Interdependent in our marriage.
Embrace Grace- I’ve learned that a good marriage is made up of two great forgivers. Extend and embrace generous grace to one another- forgive as quickly as God has forgiven you. Holding a grudge, tolerating bitterness, or harbouring un-forgiveness just eats you up inside. Learning about the journey to reconciliation and a place of peace or “Shalom in the home” in all it’s fullness is more than just “I’m sorry”.
Don’t Play the Shame Game: I’ve learned to distinguish guilt from shame. Casting undo shame on our spouses does not help one another heal. Guilt tells us that we have done something wrong (which should lead us to confession, repentance, restitution, restoration and reconciliation)- whereas, shame gets to the core of our identity. Shame tells us that YOU are wrong. Don’t be a conduit of darkness or evil by casting shame on your spouse and holding them in bondage or oppression i.e. holding a ‘one-up’ on the other. This absolutely kills the atmosphere of love and grace in your home.
Honour One Another’s Family of Origin: Marriage is a journey of’ leaving and cleaving”, speak well of your in-laws- even if you don’t agree with them or like your parent’s food, culture, or whatever better. Learn to accept or celebrate the differences and uniqueness that each family member may have brought to your marriage. A blending of families values and culture is a challenge, but it is not impossible. Honouring life, legacy, story brings everything into perspective.
Heal From the Past: We cannot heal what we hide. There are roots and fruits that we can assist one another with the healing process. What we feed in us will grow in us.. Both husband and wife bring may bring baggage into the marriage and also face challenges that require deep healing of the soul. You must be willing to deal with trauma, or painful memories from the past as they affect your relationship. Be gentle with one another, be a good listener. Discovering together where there is Root, there is a Fruit: i.e. Anger, Jealousy, Bitterness, Loneliness, Sadness vs. the fruits of the Spirit as Love- Joy- Peace- Patience- Kindness- Gentleness- Faithfulness- Self Control.
Seek Outside or Professional Help Where Required: Marriage is HARD- but it’s worth it. There is no shame in seeking good solid counsel through pastoral care, counseling, therapists were needed to guide you as a couple (or family) to a place of healthier relating to one another.
God’s Love is Patient- I am not perfect, nor is my husband. As such, we need to be patient with one another. God is not a taskmaster to whip me in shape overnight, neither should be that to our spouses. May we be more tender and patient with one another.
Seek to Show Love the Way Your Spouse Experience Love: Discovering my spouses love language was helpful and visa versa. The website for the 5 Love Languages is listed below. It is fascinating to discover how you and your spouse are wired to receive love and why: Acts of service, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, quality time..
God’s Love is Kind, so I must be kind and loving to myself. I am relearning the gift of self-care in this current season. Being kind to yourself enables you to be kind to your spouse.
Appreciation and Gratitude- Don’t take each other for granted. It’s easy to just expect things because you are old married folks, but taking the time to say”‘thank you”, or “ I appreciate that” verbally or in written form… goes a long way.
Love is Not Jealous or Conceited - Building Healthy intimacy in all areas of our marriage is important to address in order to trust one another. Emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual intimacy is God’s design and dream for marriage. Jealousy raises its ugly head for many reasons, but a marriage based on love and respect, trust, and grace creates a barricade from it breeding contempt in any way.
Room to Grow: Establish and Maintain Healthy Boundaries. With Each Other:We’ve learned to give each other space, and not smother each other. As a healthy plant needs a larger sturdy pot to grow into, it’s important to allow each other room to grow as a person as well as a couple.
Love is Not Proud or Provoked-Learning to humble ourselves stops the crazy cycle. Pride kills intimacy and ego is often trying to provoke a fight. When conflict arises, seek healthy conflict resolution and work towards this at all times to be peacemakers in your home.
Affection and Romance- A dear mentor of mine drilled it into me that sex was designed by God for the 3P’s: Pair bonding, Pleasure and Procreation. Experiencing freedom within marriage is a beautiful gift as you both submit to one another in love- (never out of duty, guilt, force, manipulation, or control.) Do all you can to protect the marriage bed as sacred. If flirting with your spouse isn’t natural as you’ve got too comfy in your ‘old age’, rekindle the fire by doing all you can to protect, nurture the romance til death do you part.
Love Does Not Keep a Record of wrongs- Ditch the nagging fault-finding list-If God has forgiven and the person has dealt with this or that- leave it at the cross of Jesus. Forgiveness - grace is a gift. Be that gift as the chains of unforgiveness chokes you both if you don’t let go and let God.
Seek to Have a Balanced Household of Reciprocity- Tim is highly competitive, he typically wins with this one. Out-serve your spouse was advice that a former pastor couple shared with us years ago (Thanks Harry and Judy!) Tim’s primary love language is ‘acts of service’ and so he naturally wants to serve or do things for me to show love. I’ve learned lots about sacrificial love because of my worker bee hubby.
Love is Not Happy with Evil- It is AOK to have righteous anger against evil. That evil can be recognized in our own hearts, in other people in our lives, or present in the world in general. It is good and right to discern the times together and when we recognize evil, trust God to lead you two together to tackle it head-on in faith through prayer or other means.
Love Rejoices With the Truth - It is good to celebrate truth, but we also need to get on the same page with what is truth. Searching the scriptures, seeking good counsel, and praying for truth to be revealed is a pathway to marital strength.
Love Never Gives Up- Tenacity and perseverance are instilled when we are driven to see each other the way God sees us. Having an eternal picture of marriage as described in the Bible, gives us faith to not give up on one another.
Love Never Loses Faith - believe you me, we have been tempted to lose faith many times along the way, but God has not given upon us. God is Love and He continues to give us more faith as we’ve undergone the highs and lows of life. If one or both of you have lost faith or don’t know how to search for faith or receive it, reach out to me and I would love to pray for you to receive the gift of faith or share resources with you to help you to capture-recapture it.
Love is Always Hopeful- Faith, Hope, and Love are all needed in a marriage. Without hope, we would have given up on each other long ago. I believe many of us lose hope because we have put our full trust in things or people alone rather than the Author of life Himself as the foundation. God IS Love. And “...Love is always hopeful...”(1 Corinthians 13:7). If you have lost hope, I offer prayer, mentorship, or recommend resources so that you can grow in hope or find it for the first time.
Love Endures Through Every Circumstance- Tim and I have been through some deep waters, as we all will face our own share of trials, challenges or suffering. When we look back on our lives, do we believe God’s love has been there for us in ALL circumstances? For me, I might not have always acknowledged it at the time when going through difficult times, trials, or suffering, but it is true- I see it clearly now. When I am walking in that love, it is what sustains me through thick and thin.
Fun: We both remind each other when we get ‘too serious’, as it’s good to laugh and just ‘be’. It’s important to value the gift of having fun and be grateful for what we can share together as a couple, as a family, with friends, neighbors, and as individuals.
Steward Well what you have been given individually and as a couple. Honor God well with your individual goals- Couple goals- Family goals to respect each other’s time, opinions, and uniqueness to avoid being so self-focused. be mindful together of what you are called to steward in how it affects others around you: what you bring to the marriage and what your marriage brings to the family and community.
Be Open and Honest with One Another. with Clear Communication. Tim and I are not “mind readers” but we often acted as if we were! So much of marriage conflict is due to poor communication. Being honest with our thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns or fears helps to bring real conversations to the forefront. There are great resources out there to help you communicate better. There is a free download from Bob and Audrey Meissner listed below.
Establish and maintain healthy boundaries with others: (Family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, etc). I am learning this more later on in life, but better late than never! Every aspect of boundaries shapes who we are, how we relate to one another, and places a value statement on how we love others, including our spouse.
Praying together helps us stay together:) It was a wee awkward at first, but when we stepped out to try over the first decade of our marriage, it has become as normal as breathing in our older years. Putting God first above all puts everything in proper perspective. When we don’t have this alignment in our heart, soul, mind, strength- our marriage is off and not in alignment as God designed us to be. As the Great Commandments calls us to “ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength The second is this: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:29-31).
Divorce is not the unpardonable sin. Tim was married before for a few years in his early 20’s and together, they had a beautiful daughter Amanda who is my stepdaughter and mother to our first grandchild. If God has forgiven (which He has), we can walk in grace together as husband and wife. It took a while for me to be “OK” with being wife #2 at 20 years of age and learn how to be a stepmom, but the lessons we’ve learned through it all has been a beautiful journey of pain, sorrow, growth, and joy through it all. I understand well the pain and consequences of a failed marriage by walking through it with many family and friends. What has helped me is knowing that the marriage relationship isn’t eternal. Yes, God hates divorce, but He also hates the actions, words, and treatment of one another that leads to divorce or is tolerated within a suffering marriage that needs to end. The judgment is left to God and Him alone- not us. People undergoing marriage breakdown need grace, not judgment. (God’s word confirms that there is a much deeper marriage that He is calling His people to as described from Genesis to Revelation.)
Marriage Retreats and Studies are Fabulous - Tim and I have been to a few marriage retreats, read books, or have done some online studies together. Some of which are listed below. Don’t ever assume you don’t have more to learn as we all have room to grow and improve our relationships!
(added August 2021 in honour of our 31st anniversary) "Discover Each Other’s “Love Language”- Words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch as well as acts of service). 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Great book if you haven’t already ready it.
(Added August 2022 in honour of our 32nd anniversary!) “Don’t Go to Bed Angry”- Before my grandpa Gilmer passed away in his mid 90’s, Tim and I asked what is his best advise for us was and he said” Don’t go to bed angry.” And we agree! It takes work to walk through, talk through our differences, misunderstandings or conflicts/ issues that arise. Tim and I have tried to follow this throughout our marriage, even if it meant talking things through, praying etc at midnight- and putting the pause button on the conversation until an appropriate time- so we can sleep peacefully. Conflict avoidance is toxic- stirring up conflict is as well. But when anger arises within a marriage, we must approach it with a heart and mind to bring health and wholeness to each person and the relationship where possible.

Heaven knows our world needs marriages built on strong foundations. Below are some leaders, speakers, events, podcasts, resources that I recommend for fostering healthy relationships and strengthening marriages.

John and Lisa Bevere: The Story of Marriage E-Course
Bob and Audrey Meissner: "Love Married Life E-course" (and coaching) My Communication Goals download and more
Family Life Canada “Weekend Getaway Conferences”
Pam and Bill Farrel: Love Wise: “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti”
Gene McConnell Authentic Relationships International
Shannon Ethridge Every Woman’s Battle, the Sexually Confident Wife
Leslie Vernick: “Relationship Truth Unfiltered”
John and Stasi Eldridge’s “Wild at Heart” and “Love and War”
Dr. Garry Chapman The 5 Love Languages

Thankful for 30 years of marriage to my Tim. Cheers to another 30-40?

God only knows.

Other Related Blog Posts of mine:

“Wedding Symbolism”- August 4th 2023
“The Greatest Of These is Love”- August 30th, 2020