Releasing Perfectionism

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What is Perfectionism?

I was invited to speak on the topic of “Releasing Perfectionism” at my local church moms group this week. It challenged me to dig deeper into the topic and I have grown in clarity as a result. In finding my identity as a daughter of God, I realized that God is perfecting me through Christ, not my own striving.

It’s tough to squeeze into 30-40 minutes what I’ve come to understand in a lifetime of lessons, let alone all the research and resources I gleaned from and embraced! Although there are a TON of resources you can find on this topic in the field of counselling and pastoral work, here are a couple definitions I found helpful:

  • “Perfectionism is not the same thing as healthy striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.” ― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

  • ”What we call perfectionism is not the same as the pursuit of excellence, though sometimes the lines can blur. When we pursue excellence, we’re determined to do something as well as possible within a given set of talent, resources, and time limits. But perfectionism has pride- or fear-based compulsion that either fuels our obsessive fixation on doing something perfectly or paralyzes us from acting at all — both of which often result in the harmful neglect of other necessary or good things… ”

    “Perfectionism nearly always has its roots in our desire for acceptance and fear of rejection. It can be the garden-variety, pride-fueled, general fear of what people will think of us, or it can be a crippling, conditioned fear of failing instilled into us by an abusive past or present authority figure.” - Desiring God

Being a mom is a gift! This ministry program was a gift to me as a young momma (and still is). My family is a beautifully imperfect bootcamp to learn more about grace.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”
— James 1:17

As I shared a little about myself and family, I was reminded how the grace of God has sustained me as a woman, daughter, friend, wife, mother, and now grandma among all the roles I’ve had throughout my life thus far. I love the theme of the semester here at moms group where I serve as Mentor Mom at my local church. Themes change, leaders change, speakers change, but I rest on the changeless nature of God who loves to pour into moms through ministries like this.

This spring semester’s theme is based on the book “The Better Mom: Growing in Grace between Perfection and the Mess.”Last week another speaker at Grove Moms talked about the messes of life in our physical and emotional selves and relationships. Mess is inevitable and integral to the motherhood journey. My focus in the talk (and this blog entry) is to have us process, reflect and work through our struggles with perfectionism, and find grace in the midst of it all.

Vulnerabilities to Perfectionism

We all have a story, each filled with messes and the effects of perfectionism. Every child wants to feel a sense of acceptance, security, purpose, and significance. Our families of origin and other authority figures in our formative years have a significant influence on our styles of relating, our value systems, and how we see ourselves, God and the world.

As I shared a glimpse of my life story, I could sense many of the moms could relate to my stories of my quest for love, acceptance, security and significance that often led to filling my heart with things, people or practices not helpful for my soul.

Perfectionist Tendencies: Ways that perfectionism manifests in our lives:

  • Place unrealistic demands on yourself and others

  • Procrastinate or avoid tasks because you fear failure

  • Believe you must earn God’s love and acceptance

  • Struggle with self condemnation

  • Criticize yourself and others with “you should have/could have” statements

  • Overwork and neglect rest in your pursuit for excellence

  • Seek ongoing approval for doing something well

  • etc.

What surprised me in my research is that perfectionism takes on many forms and truly affects us all. I have struggled with all of the above in my life at some point. I have dug deep into the wells of my soul with God to unpack many of the roots of perfectionist tendencies from my formative years and various traumatic events throughout my 50+ years thus far. My humanity would often cope with insecurities by operating out of a place of control and self-protection, ( rather than running into the arms of the only one who can heal the soul—Jesus).

Our Longing for Perfection

Our longing for perfection has its dark side as described above and in the recommended resource “Perfectionism” by Hope for the Soul (see below). The enemy of our souls loves to “rob, kill, steal and destroy” our joy factor and potential. Our perfectionist tendencies do give us an inner drive to do things with excellence, but we must consider this: whose glory are we seeking? Is it our own glory, or do we do it for the glory of God? Do we do things (or not do things) out of fear of people and fear of failure, OR do we do things in faith out of fear of the Lord?

This CS Lewis Quote has stuck with me for years:

“If I find myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”
— C.S.Lewis

The Bible speaks about the Kingdom of God. Jesus came to bring us “Life to the full” (John 10:10), but unless we are ready to deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him daily, we will continue to face the crippling rat race of perfectionism.

Perfectionism has undoubtedly reared its ugly head in my life. This roots from both my own sinful tendencies and the influences around me. It is alarming how deception can creep into faith communities when we take scripture out of context, so lies steeped in religion become another yoke of slavery to our soul.

For example, when  I came across a verse early on in my faith walk “You must be perfect, just as your father is perfect” Matthew 5:48, it added to my striving. YIKES! If you interpret that scripture in light of the world’s messages of perfectionism, we are DUPED.  It’s important to read scripture in light of the entire Bible.

It’s a JOURNEY. Only Jesus is perfect. SO, if we read that passage in light of the entire Sermon of the Mount , we learn that Jesus is saying “Come to me, in all your messes, fears, hopes, dreams and longings- and I will fill you.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

Do you believe that?

Like REALLY believe that…

I was challenged by a simple question from another mom my age in 1996: “Jodi, don’t you know Jesus?” I realized at that moment that I have known of Jesus all my life in my head, but didn’t truly know Him in my heart and I wanted to take that step. That wrestling match of the soul led me into a deeper prayer life at age 26. A personal relationship with God (as opposed to religion) that healed my soul cry and is still healing me from the inside out.

Perfectionism reveals our brokenness. God loved us so much and He didn’t want us to stay broken, so he did for us what we could not do for ourselves. He sent his son, Jesus, down to the world to live a perfect life so he could die for our sins and then rise from the dead 3 days later. I believe in this truth: His power is perfected in my weakness. I won’t be “perfected” until I see Jesus face to face in eternity, as I am a grace-filled work in progress. I will keep pressing on in faith for His kingdom to come and for His will to be done in my heart, family, and world on “earth as it is in heaven”. (The Lord’s Prayer- Matthew 6:8-10)

“Nowhere in the Bible does it encourage us toward perfectionism. It promises us perfection — imputed perfection now (2 Corinthians 5:21) and future perfection in the age to come (Revelation 21:3–4) — as a free gift of God’s grace, so that we will be free from perfectionism. ”
— Desiring God blogpost

Releasing Perfectionism

I don’t know where I’d be without spiritual disciplines like prayer where my soul can find release to overcome sins like perfectionism. In my talk, I invited women to ask God to teach them moments of grace through their children. I have found that as I relate to God as His child, I can see the analogies of the dependence on God I need as I relate to Him as a daughter.

“Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
— Matthew 19:14

(Not “Childish” 1 Cor. 11, but Childlike: for further study, visit Matthew 18:3, Luke 18: 16-17)

(photos of trees at the Botanical Garden in Kauai Hawaii- Tim and I having fun with our Spoof on the Garden of eden and ‘Hiding” behind our leaves.)

Guilt Vs Shame

Sin seems like a “4 letter word” these days. But my worldview holds that “all have fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). I believe our Creator designed us with a conscious where we have the capacity to choose right from wrong, to love to hate, to forgive or hold grudges etc. The crippling affects of sin and the fall of mankind- our brokenness is missing the mark from God’s Original Intent. But God. He provided a way for us to be restored and that’s through Jesus. My Prayer life and walk towards wholeness requires discernment of knowing the difference between guilt and shame. We tend to normalize or. hide our sins in our humanity, but freedom comes when we expose what lies beneath to the truth of God’s word.

Guilt tells you, you have DONE something wrong (and according to the Bible, if you know Jesus- he takes away all of our guilt when we confess our sin.) God gives us the ability to confess when we’ve done something wrong- and Jesus gives us the capacity to receive His Grace- His Forgiveness and as we walk with him in PERFECT peace day by day, we can in turn forgive others.

There is a HUGE difference between Guilt and Shame

Shame tells us that WE are wrong- and the we are NOT worthy of love and belonging- I didn’t learn about or recognize Shame until later on in my life-

Shame is the painful emotion that is caused by a consciousness of guilt, failure that often results in the paralyzing conviction/belief that one is worthless, of no value to others or to God, unacceptable, and altogether deserving of disdain and rejection. I’ve learned that it is important to Identify SHAME, and pray so I am not walking in it and then be lured back into or trapped in perfectionism.

You Cannot Heal What You Hide

If you are currently struggling with perfectionism, is important to identify what is motivating you to strive for perfection. When we practice spiritual disciplines- like meditation, prayerful reflection etc- we can become more self aware as we ask God to speak to our hearts- understand our “why”, we gain more awareness and allow the Lord to heal the root of our perfectionism.

I invite you to listen to the words to this song and take the time to pray and allow the words to minister to your soul. Being thankful, having gratitude, less striving, sitting in God’s presence is key to soul care and restoration. Ask God to reveal to you any roots of perfectionism that needs to come to the surface in order for you to acknowledge and walk in the steps towards freedom.

Going Deeper- Resources

Being in God’s presence invites healing to our soul. Be patient with yourself- healing takes time. Seek out trusted friends, pastors or counsellors as needed. Find a church that loves God, honours Jesus and His word, and is open to the movement of God’s Holy Spirit. Below are some suggestions to help you release perfectionism and move towards self awareness, soul care, spiritual growth, vulnerability and authenticity:

  • Reflection Prompts:

    • How does embracing  your identity as a child of God impact you?

    • Ask God to speak to you- by asking him a question like “What do you want to say to me about your love and grace to me today?” or “Help me to trust in you as you and rest in your perfect love. Where do I need to release perfectionism and trust in you to lead me into your heart today.” Start writing what you are hearing in your soul. You will know that it’s God speaking to you if it lines up with scripture and aligns with His character. If you question what was written and wondering if you are to act on something or would like like to test this, seek out a trusted pastor, teacher or friend and share what you wrote. Discernment and wisdom is a gift in the Body of Christ. We need each other!

    • Consider downloading the resources below on “Identifying Shame” or “Identity in Christ”- Read through the scriptural affirmations on Identity and journal what God is showing you regarding this.

    • If sentences aren’t coming to you, consider writing a poem or draw a picture that expresses your heart cry.

Growing in Grace: Perfection and the Mess

How would your life change if you prayed regularly something like this “God, give me the courage to live life with my imperfections. I trust you that You are who you say you are- and that your word says that Your “grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in weakness. God- I admit/ confess my perfectionistic ways to you. Thank you that you love me as I am, but you love you so much that you won’t leave me as I am.. I trust that your redeeming, healing power rests on me- for your Glory. In Jesus name, I submit to your perfect will as you help me be the person you created me to be."

Grove Moms Ministry Program Link and Book Resource/ Reference:

Personal Resource/ References - Addressing Perfectionism

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